I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
