Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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