If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
