I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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