Betty ford says i'm here all night
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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