my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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