Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
