I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
