I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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