Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize