bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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