i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
