Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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