Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm really busy with my period
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