my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
