The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there's paper in my vomit.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
