Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My dick has a subreddit
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
