If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
