The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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