I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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