I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
