i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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