omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
