dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
