but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
