Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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