Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
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Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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