I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
