3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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