i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
