You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he puts the penis in happiness.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
