I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
