Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
