The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
