I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
