i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize