If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
