there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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