is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
