Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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