how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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