I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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