The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
