Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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