I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
