i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
