I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
