I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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