If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
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I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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