I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
