I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
