Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
