I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
