at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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