I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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