apparently the secret to your success is patron
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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