Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
