I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you had me at cake vodka
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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