He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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